...another one begins

I remember only bits and pieces of the long drive home from the city. It had been 24 hours. Only 24 hours since my world was shattered beyond repair. My husband and I were in the car, loaded with all of Cam's belongings from the hospital and an empty car seat, struggling to maintain any ounce of composure I had left. I felt empty and felt a longing for my son. I felt like there was a bungee cord attached to me that was trying to pull me back to the room in which he died. To bring me back to June and start the whole process over again. I didn't want to see my child suffering anymore. I just wanted to see him. To touch him. To hear his voice. To see him happy and smiling again. To hold him in my arms. To keep him safe. Somewhere along that two hour drive, the bungee cord snapped. I snapped. I felt like I had truly lost him and that I was leaving him behind.

It was hard. It had only been 24 hours. I sat in the passenger seat, quiet, trying to understand. I couldn't. In some ways, nearly 20 weeks later, I still can't. I sat, with my hands folded tightly in my lap, wondering how I was supposed to go on living without the person who made my life whole. Who gave me my purpose. Who I had spent the last 4.5 years loving, caring for, teaching and raising. As a mom, I had forgotten who I was as a person. I had spent so long being a wife and a mom and I forgot how to be me. Without my Cam, I felt lost. His death had left an incredible hole that I feared would never be filled. While I sat, holding my own hands in some attempt to comfort myself, I relived the previous day, wondering what I could have done differently, if I was able to comfort and reassure my son, if he felt how much he was loved by both of his parents. I thought about how badly I wanted to be with him again, how desperately I needed my son. I felt like there was no way I could go on without him. I had lost my purpose.

At some point during our long drive home my husband broke our silence. He said, "Do you want to have another?" I immediately said yes. And then immediately wished I hadn't. As soon as the word left my mouth, I saw Cam's life flash before me. I saw him at birth, growing as a baby, learning to walk, his smiles, his laughs, his playfulness. I immediately felt like having another would make Cam feel like we were replacing him. Like his life and death meant nothing. Like we could start over as if he never existed. I didn't say anything aloud because as soon as I said yes, my husband's face softened. I sat next to him and chatted about the possibility of having a new baby and the joy a new baby would (hopefully) bring to us. At no point did we discuss when and if we should start "trying." There was no rule book on timelines. We had to be focused on trying to move on with life in a positive way, a way to honor Cam's memory.

December 6th. Only 32 days after Cam passed away. My husband and I were both back to work, trying to navigate our "normal" daily routines mixed with our grief and emotions. Our had become eerily quiet and neither of us knew what to do there anymore. That night, on the 6th, something told me I should take a home pregnancy test. I don't know what made me do it. I took a home pregnancy test and it said "pregnant: 2-3 weeks." I dropped the test on the floor and stared at it in complete shock. I couldn't believe it had happened so soon. And I didn't know how I felt about it. I called my husband at work and told him. He was equally as shocked but I could tell he was excited. I could hear the smile when he talked to me. It crushed me.

A baby is supposed to be a happy thing. A positive thing. But in the initial days and weeks of my pregnancy, I felt remorse, guilt and regret. I felt like I was being pulled in so many different directions. I was missing my son. Missing everything he was. And I was regretting that I was pregnant. I wanted my first pregnancy to be my only one. To have it be something special that was just for Cam. I didn't want to go through it again. I felt guilty. How does a mother get pregnant so soon after losing her only child? How could I possibly do that to him? How would he have felt about it? Did he think I was trying to replace him and forget about him? I spent so many nights crying. Crying because I felt like I was betraying my child and crying because a small part of me wanted this baby. And crying because Cam used to ask if Mommy would have a baby in her belly again. The answer had always been no, that when he was born he was everything we wanted and our little family was complete. I cried because I felt like I had lied to him. I cried because I will never get to see what he would have been like as a big brother.

As with any pregnancy, my emotions have been all over the place. Sometimes uncontrollable. I have been struggling to come to terms with my feelings towards this pregnancy. Somehow, I finally started to feel positive. I started to feel like this is ok. That Cam would be happy. That he wouldn't feel like we were replacing him. Deep down I know and understand that no one can ever replace him but it took a long time to remind myself of that. I still worry all the time. I worry that I will miscarry or end of having a premature delivery. I worry that this baby will have cancer. I have nightmares of going through it all over again. Logically I know it is highly unlikely, but I worry. The farther along I am in this pregnancy, the more I become comfortable with it. I still have days where I felt guilty or regretful but not nearly as often.

We're now 19 weeks in to this pregnancy. We have been fortunate enough to have a few ultrasounds and have been able to see baby moving. We have seen and heard the heartbeat (which makes us breathe a sigh of relief every time). I have been feeling wonderful movements and my husband is starting to be able to feel them as well. Aside from a lot of morning sickness, we have been very fortunate to have a healthy pregnancy thus far and to know we are growing a very healthy baby. We wonder what this baby will look like, if it will have similar features to Cam's, what the personality will be like. As bittersweet as this experience is for us, we know this baby is truly as blessing. We feel this baby is a gift from Cam. His way of telling us we were meant to be parents and that he wants us to keep going. It is his way of giving us back our purpose. Our beautiful family of three will become a family of four this summer. And this new baby has the gift of having the strongest guardian angel.