"Oh Annabelle, don't do it. Don't talk about him again," Caroline loudly whispered when the waitress asked about her friend's pregnancy. Annabelle turned to her friend, slowly so she could hide the bewildered look she knew had appeared on her face. "Excuse me?" At this point, the waitress, who had realized she had possibly asked the wrong question, mumbled something about needing to refill the coffee pot and hurried away. "Why shouldn't I talk about him?" Annabelle was careful with how she spoke, as she was trying to figure out what Caroline meant.
Caroline sighed. She hadn't meant to say it out loud. She had spoken to her friend Hayley about it at length. They both felt that Annabelle was different lately and wasn't dealing with her situation as well as they felt she should. But she never meant for Annabelle to find out her true feelings. "I wasn't going to tell you," she began, "but you really need to stop talking about him. You make people feel so awkward. No one wants to hear about it and most people don't want to hang out with you anymore.You'll probably get over him faster if you just stop talking about it too." Caroline sat back in her chair, feeling slightly pleased that she finally told her friend the truth.
Annabelle looked down at her cup of tea. She could feel the hurt and anger building inside of her. She knew Caroline was trying to be helpful. But she didn't understand. Her life had been so easy. She was outgoing and popular. She was pretty and knew how to get people to pay attention to her. Her life was just her and her husband. Easy, fun and stress free. There was no way Caroline could understand what was now Annabelle's life. Annabelle's heart started pounding. She felt as though the walls of the cafe were closing in on her. She quickly got up, threw some money on the table, told Caroline something had come up and she ran out of the cafe.
Annabelle walked along the quiet downtown street toward the river front. She always found her calm by the water. She thought about calling her husband but decided against it. She needed to be alone to work through what was going through her mind. She found a small bench at the river front, next to a large willow tree. Stop talking about him. She almost laughed at the idea of it. She couldn't stop talking about him. To stop talking would feel like she would be forgetting. As she looked out at the river, the warm sun reflecting off the serene waters, she thought about how her life had changed in such a short period of time.
Growing up, Annabelle wanted three things- to be a wife, a mother and a teacher. And she became all three. Ten years ago, she met a handsome soldier online and instantly fell in love. Paul was kindhearted, funny and compassionate. He made her feel safe. His love for her made her feel like she could conquer the world. They had everything they could have wanted. A beautiful house, great jobs, and an incredible son.
Annabelle watched the small squirrel scurry up the tree.
Fall was coming. The animals were preparing for winter. She smiled as
she watched the long tail sway back and forth on a branch. "Dirrel!" She
could hear her son's sweet voice in her head. Even at four years old he
struggled with certain sounds. But he spoke so well for a child his age.
Strangers often thought he was much older than he was because of it.
Annabelle tried to fight back the tears as she thought about her sweet
son.
Connor. Her beautiful boy. He was so full of life. He was kind and gentle and wise. For a four year old, he was far beyond his years. He could outsmart his parents and keep them guessing. He loved the water, just like his mommy. He loved helicopters, just like his daddy. He wanted to be a pilot when he grew up. Connor made Annabelle and Paul feel complete. Their love grew when this boy was born and he enriched their lives more than they had ever dreamed possible. They never expected the nightmare that came.
The previous summer, Connor had been complaining about some pain in his back. Paul and Annabelle took him to see their family doctor and had tests done. Everything was normal. Connor began to limp and his activity level began to decrease. Again, they took him to doctors and test results were normal. Annabelle and Paul were desperately trying to find out what was wrong with their son so they took him to the children's hospital a few hours away. There they would hear the worst news any parent could have.
Cancer. Their sweet baby boy had cancer. Not just any type of cancer. One of the rarest and most dangerous cancers a child could have. Annabelle struggled to understand how her baby had gone from healthy to gravely ill so quickly. Everything in her life changed with the mention of just one word. The doctors started to treat Connor with chemotherapy and radiation right away. Connor had fought hard for the entire summer. Paul and Annabelle had never seen anyone so strong and so brave. They were so proud of their son. As much as they had hoped he would get better, Connor continued to get sicker. And on that calm November morning, Annabelle knew Connor's time was coming. She held her son in her arms. She talked softly to him, telling him he was loved and how proud his mommy and daddy were. She soothed him and chased away his fears as she sang to him. "You and I, together forever." She had sung the song every day of his life. Connor passed away quietly in her arms. When she felt his heart stop beating under her hand and watched him close those beautiful eyes for the last time, something inside her died with him.
It was now ten months after Connor's death. Annabelle and Paul were both back to work. They had begun to go out on dates again. They were trying to live life in a positive way to honor Connor. And to their surprise, they were expecting another baby boy in a matter of weeks. They both knew they were blessed with this new baby and felt for sure that he was a gift from his brother. The pregnancy had been alright so far but the questions from strangers made it so hard. Annabelle thought about the waitress at the cafe. She had asked if this was Annabelle's first child. It's a normal question for any pregnant woman. And Annabelle would have answered it had Caroline not stepped in. Annabelle still couldn't understand why her friend had told her to stop talking about him. Connor was here. He had existed. He had been a beautiful child that Annabelle and Paul had raised to be a kind, generous and loving human being. And she was proud to be his mother. She wanted the world to know him. To know his story and his struggle. To remember him and be proud of him the way she was. In her mind, telling Connor's story was a way to help the world understand that childhood cancer exists and families everywhere are affected by it. She would always tell people about her first born son.
Annabelle looked out towards the water. The sun was beginning to set and the waves were crashing softly on the shore. It was peaceful. As she sat on the bench contemplating how she would approach the next conversation with Caroline, she felt a cold squeeze on her hand. She smiled. She knew Connor was there with her. She felt as though he was thanking her for keeping his memory alive. She knew in her heart she would never stop telling his story. He had a baby brother arriving soon who needed to know him. He had family and friends who loved him. And in his short four years of life, he had touched so many hearts. Annabelle knew Connor would live on through her memories and through Paul's. They would continue his journey for him.
You and I, Connor, she thought. It was always be you and I.
