My dear, sweet Cam,
2040 days ago you were born. You came into this world with an incredible cry. It was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. You were stunning. You were absolute perfection. I held you in my arms and felt everything fall into place.The day I met you was the day my world began. February 16th was our first (of many) dates. Don't tell Daddy but you were always my favorite date.
1675 days. That's how long I had you. How long we laughed and played. How long we loved and learned from one another. How long I thought I'd have you forever.
I have dreaded this day. This day is November 4, 2017. This day is 365
days without you. This day is one year since I held you in my arms as
you took your last breath and I felt your heart stop beating under my
hand. One year since I saw those beautiful blue eyes look in to mine.
One year since I heard your sweet voice. One year since part of me died
with you.
You were the best thing I ever did in my life Cam. I mess up. A lot. All the time really. I always have. But you. You are the one thing I never messed up. You loved me, with all of my flaws. You never doubted my ability to be your mom. You greeted me every day with love and knew that I would spend my every waking minute trying to protect you from harm. Trying to teach you how to be good and true. To be kind, caring and compassionate. But I never had to teach you any of that. That's just who you were. You were the BEST person I have ever known, with the gentlest and truest heart I have ever been privileged enough to encounter.
I didn't teach you Cam. You taught me. You taught how to give and accept real love. You taught me how to laugh and be free. You taught me how to play. How to ignore all of "the things" adults feel they have to do each day. How to be present and aware of my actions. You taught me how to be your mom.
365 days Cam. Living them without you have been the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I feel like I am living with only a part of my being. Like I'm not whole anymore. You are always on my mind, in everything I do. I now live my life to honor you. To honor your memory.Your time here was short but it was meaningful. You brought joy, happiness and wonder to everyone you met.
And 92 days. 92 days ago you gave me a beautiful gift. You introduced me to your sweet baby brother Matthew. I think you knew that I would need him. I will never have the words to thank you for choosing Matty to be your brother and my son. In 92 days, he has filled the void, brought me back to life and gave me my reason again. He isn't your replacement. He is the perfect addition to our incredible family of four. He has completed the bubble that is our family. And he knows you Cam. He knows you voice and your face. I hope you see how his whole face smiles when he sees your photos throughout the day.
My promise to you, my beautiful boy, is that I will use everything you taught me to be a better mom. To treasure every minute with Matthew. To ensure that he grows up knowing that he has the best big brother.
Thank you for all of the signs you send me. I feel your presence so often. You're never far away and you make sure I know when you're here. I look for those moments every day when I feel your cold touch on my hand or a small chill in the room. When I hear a certain song or see a certain image. When I find a feather or hear the beautiful cardinal's call.
I will love you forever and a day. To the moon and back and all the stars. You and I Cam. You and I, together forever...
