A Tale of Two Worlds

I have a son. He is 4 years old. He's smart, kind, curious and gentle. We love to cuddle, sing songs and learn. Right now, we love to play with Paw Patrol and Transformers toys. Today my son and I were playing with his bots. Some were in jail. One was on our team. We had a pretty good team. We sat on the floor for hours playing with the bots and creating some great stories. We went to the park today too. My son loves to swing. I pushed him and his sweet voice yells "higher Mommy, higher!" I gave him one more big push and sat on the swing next to him. I watched him throw his hat on the ground. "Mom! I can feel the wind blowing all of my hairs!" I laughed and replied, "But you don't have any hair..."

I have a son. He is 15 months old. He is happy, energetic, spunky and inquisitive. We love to read, dance and snuggle. Right now, we love trucks and letter sounds. Today we turned over a dump truck and spun the wheels. We talked about the color and shape of the wheels. And he told me the truck says "vroom." I told him we have to get ready to go. It's a big day. He jumped up and ran to the gate. "Mama, ow sigh! Shoes!" He learned how to say 'outside' this week. We went to the park to play outside today. And met lots of friends there. My son played with some while other wrote their letters. I picked up my son and we counted down- 3, 2, 1! We let our balloon fly with our letters attached to them...

I have two sons. My sons are smart, sweet, kind and curious. They are rambunctious and sneaky. My sons have beautiful blond hair and blue eyes. They are tall and so very strong. They love to climb, bounce and jump. They love to read stories and play music. They have lovely friends. They have wonderful family. My sons are brothers...

I have two sons. My sons have never met...

I live in two worlds. I live in a world that has my 4 year old son healthy and playing. We go on walks, tell stories and play with friends. I live in a world with my 15 month old son where we play with trucks and puzzles. We spend time at the beach and I teach him about the sand, the water and the animals.  I live in two worlds that have beautiful memories and adventures. That have love, happiness and excitement. That have family, hopes and dreams. I live in two worlds that will never collide. My two worlds will never join. My worlds will always be separate.

I am the mother of a child on earth and a child in Heaven.

That six letter word...

February 4, 2018 is World Cancer Day.

World Cancer Day is a day meant to unite the world in the fight against cancer, the attempt to raise awareness and research funds and the hope that one day there will be a cure. Cancer affects us all in one way or another...what a bitch.

On June 5 2016 I was just an ordinary mom. I had a gorgeous 4 year old boy who was spunky, rambunctious, kind and generous. He was funny and bright. Basically a mini genius with devastatingly gorgeous blue eyes. He had wonderful friends, loved Paw Patrol and could school even the biggest Transformers fans! He loved life, loved to have fun and be silly. He was, in my eyes, absolute perfection.

June 9 2016, I became a different kind of mom. I became a cancer mom. Something happens to you when you find out your child has cancer. You feel numb, empty and broken. You feel like you've failed your child. You feel like you've failed your husband. You fear for what lies ahead for your child. Treatments you've only heard of as chemo, radiation an surgery. Hair loss. Sickness. You realize you are beyond naive to all of it because you've never been a part of it before. You become a student. You research the type of cancer and treatment options. You question the doctors about everything you've read- have you heard of this drug, this technique, this doctor, this facility, this new magic pill. You become a nurse, a psychologist, a comedian, a bed and a security blanket. You discover super human powers that help you function on no sleep and in a constant state of distress. You feel like your life is a work of fiction, like it's someone else's world that you can't escape from. And when you realize you're living your worst nightmare you feel the pain, worry and fear all over again. You also realize that you've never known true strength until you've witnessed your child brave the unthinkable with grace and unfathomable courage. You realize you've never known true love, truer even than the moment you met your him, until you've laid with him in that hospital bed, surrounded by tubes and machines, while he sighs with comfort as you hold him. You promise you will spend the rest of your life trying to find a way to get you both to "happy humans town" because that's where he asked to go.

November 4, 2016 I became another kind of mom. A bereaved mom. A mom who held her child and comforted him as he lay dying in her arms. A mom who watched her son's beautiful and short life pass before her eyes as he closed his. A mom who felt a part of her own life end with his. A mom who relives that moment on a daily basis. A mom whose world will forever be marred by that horrible six letter word.


Cancer. You have rocked my world. You have destroyed it. You have beaten me down. You have stolen my baby. But you will not win. I promised my child that I will fight for him and other children like him until the day I die. I have vowed to be my son's voice, his advocate and will create a lasting legacy in his honor.

February 4, 2018 is World Cancer Day. It is also 15 months since cancer took my baby.

Help us fight this fight.